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Leaving my long term spouse

I have gone back and fourth for years contemplating leaving my spouse of now 8 years. We now have two young children (2 year old and 2 month old) which makes things a lot harder to figure out. We don’t get along like we used to.

We don’t have the same hobbies, we want different things sexually, he can’t keep a job (4 or 5 jobs a year every year since we have been together except one job that he had for 2 years) and it’s always his own fault when he loses the job but he always find excuses to why it wasn’t his fault. We have been together since I was 18 so I haven’t known much different.

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I want to leave him but I don’t want to make him homeless because he has no family in Alberta and no job. I want him to be an active parent in my children’s life but I don’t know where he will go. Need some help or words or encouragement.

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65 Responses

  1. it sounds like the financials are the underlying reason, maybe he needs to train for something that he actually likes, once he does that, keeping a job will be easy

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    • Mac Simm Mac Simm says:

      He has two kids hes responsible for. I did whatever shit jobs I needed to to provide for my kids. Finding something I actually like and got educated in came later.
      He made these kids. Find work stay working and look after the kids. The kids are FIRST

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  2. Liz Johnson Liz Johnson says:

    You’ve contemplated leaving him “for years” yet you have 2 very young children with him. Ok….

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  3. Angela Budd Angela Budd says:

    The book the 5 love languages. Read it.

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  4. Wanting something is much different than reality. You cannot change a person and no amount of work or wishing on your part will. I encourage you to think about you and your kids and leave him out of the equation. He’s a grown man.. He can figure his own shit out.

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  5. Cheat on him and see if you still want something different

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  6. Tell him now you jerk. You have years of contemplating and a couple kids with him. One recent. Sounds like you need serious help in your own way. Not only have you been lying to him for years, you also brought kids into the picture knowing full well you were unhappy. Now they will have to live between two broken homes.

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  7. Cheat on him with somebody who is as shallow as yourself, should sort out your issue. Oh and when you do leave him I hope he gets the kids and ends up with a woman who actually loves him, supports him and has the same hobbies. Fucking slag, hope he reads this and pisses in your coffee.

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  8. Have you tried counselling together? Do you think there’s any hope at all? If you feel like there is…try! It’s better for your kids and the both of you if you can pull through this…it will strengthen you. People who have been married for a lifetime always say; “we had tough times. But we persevered.” These are those tough times hun! If there’s no abuse, no cheating, maybe look into therapy and try to fix things! I hate to see people on here bash, humiliate, judge and attack people who are looking for advice. They are clearly perfect!

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    • I read the comments below, it’s becoming more apparent how some (so called) grownups are not capable of articulating their opinions without being hurtful.

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    • BeBe Alvarenga Riiiiight? Especially if she said she’s been thinking about leaving for a year people will attack her and say she hasn’t tried hard enough. Seriously…no compassion, no concern for individuals in this world. Then we wonder why people have mental health issues. Geeze!!!

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  9. Why did you have 2 kids with this man if you have felt this way for years?

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  10. Jason Ellard Jason Ellard says:

    Wow. Maybe you should have figured out your sexual appetite and hobbies before having two kids with him. Nut you didnt. Now you need to stop.being so selfish, suck it up, and make the best of it fornthe kids. God people male me sick..

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  11. Have you actually sat down with him and communicated how you feel? Without pointing the finger at him and blaming him? First step is to sit him down and start a conversation, I am feeling….I need….. I would like….and ask what he needs, wants, and would like from the relationship. Too many people just move on without even communicating their dissatisfaction in their relationships. How is he supposed to know you are dissatisfied for many years when you brought babies into your lives? He may think everything is ok. If you don’t sit him down and communicate with him, in the future you will always wonder if it could have worked out. You have children to think about. If he isn’t abusive, cheating or a huge liar, it is worth giving him a chance or you may find out the grass is NOT always greener on the other side! How would you feel if you were to drop the kids off to him for a visit a few years from now and he had a career, a nice place to live and a new woman that makes him happy?
    Communicate, try new things, give him a chance or cut his losses now. To be honest, I think you are being unfair by hiding how you actually feel.

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  12. Sue Dubya Sue Dubya says:

    Marriage is for better or for worse. Try and remember what it was that you fell in love with. Remember that nobody is perfect, and it seems to be that after the ‘honeymoon phase’ everyone seems to change…or fall into a particular rhythm. Everyone seems to give up too easily. Unless there’s a very real cause for your split, please consider fighting for your relationship. Counseling is a great way to start. So what if you have different likes and dislikes. That’s a good thing. Do things with friends, and let him do things with friends. If you have different interests, pursue them; enjoy hobbies. You don’t have to live in each other’s pockets like you did when you were dating. Anyone who has a successful, long-term marriage will tell you that.
    Insofar as him not being able to hold down a job, I noticed another poster mentioning him trying to train for a trade. Perhaps that’s a great route to follow. Maybe he could qualify for government sponsorship. That could be huge for you and your family. There are government grants available; so perhaps look into them.
    I implore you, take a chance and try and make your marriage work. Your children will thank you.

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  13. Have an adult conversation with him about it

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  14. He may have adult ADD or ADHD. Ask him to get tested. Might be why he loses jobs.

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    • Hospitals can direct you to someone that can test. I think there are 12 different types of ADHD? My oldest has it and he goes through periods of losing jobs. Give him a chance to respond to some testing at least before you give him the heave ho.

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  15. Talk to him n tell hi, not a fukkin fb page, god people r dumb

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  16. Vera Milo Vera Milo says:

    Why have another child? Wtf is wrong it ppl

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  17. Splitting with somebody because they cannot find a job is really bad.. in the past it was normal for one parent to work and one to stay home… usually dad worked and mom stayed home. You married “for better or worse”.. so unless he is beating on you.. time to honor that.. tighten up your financial belt… be frugal.. let him be the stay at home parent – nothing wrong with that and it benefits your kids not to be raised by strangers and saves on day care costs.. eventually he might want to find work but for now.. let him be a dad.

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    • Mac Simm Mac Simm says:

      He sounds irresponsible and whiny. She has three kids not two, if you include him.

      Yes marriage vows matter if both parties respect those vows. She was 18 when they married shes known nothing else. She knows this situation is wrong, shes been contemplating leaving for years.
      People are down on her for having kids. I bet shes been guilted, manipulated by him with a promise of it getting better for years. Shes believed it…. until now.

      He can’t hold down a job. Hes supposed to help with supporting his kids.

      Staying in a marriage that doesn’t work for her, is damaging to the kids as well. They learn that what they see as normal. If they fight its even worse.

      I think she should try a separation from him. He will then need to take responsibility for whats going on with him. He will either work to fix it, or face the consequences. And the consequences are neither her fault or responsibility.
      Her kids have to come first and her as well.

      If he wants to stay a lazy irresponsible ass on the couch, thats his choice… when hes alone.

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  18. Leave him. It’s your life. You’re in control. The only thing these people are going to do is judge you and be assholes about it.

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  19. Jes Woodman Jes Woodman says:

    well if he cant work , let him stay home and look after the kids and clean the house … its really not that uncommon any more .. and if you have been thinking of leaving him for years (plural) then what are you thinking having multiple children with him .. oh i think i should leave my husband , maybe i’ll have a few kids with him first so i can mess up their lives too ?? .. selfish

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  20. Jen Pratt Jen Pratt says:

    Wow, people are rude and bitter. Like they never made any poor choices.

    My advice would be to speak to him and tell him your concerns. Find some free family counselling, and consider maybe doing a role reversal situation where he stays home with the kids while you go back to school. Then get a job and support the family yourself. When the kids get older and in school, he could go to school too.
    I’m guessing that your frustration stems from him being not what you pictured life with him would be. You expected that with kids he would change. But you can’t make him change.
    You can, however.
    You can step up and design the future that you want.

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  21. Rough crowd on here today. It’s common to grow to love different things when you get together so young in life. Plus, it sounds like you are very lonely. But don’t make the decision without truly exploring, with him, how to turn it around.

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  22. So what I’m hearing is you’re miserable. You’re worried and you’re staying cause he might end up on the streets and your kids might see that. You have two options. Stay and work it out. Address it through therapy and hopefully you find the happiness your family deserves. Or leave, accept that he’s an adult and what happens is his responsibility and you might find the happiness that your family deserves. Nothing is guaranteed.

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  23. It is a difficult choice – you need to put your children first and be strong enough to give your children the best life you can – that doesn’t mean supporting their father. The right thing is rarely easy – and this may make him the man you hoped he would be – it may break him. But those are his choices and you need not take responsibility for his choices. Be strong – you can do this

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  24. Been on the fence about your marriage for years and still had 2 kids……thats nice for them

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  25. Rhon Magyar Rhon Magyar says:

    why are you breeding with him then? when he’s unemployed, what have you done workwise to bring in income? let him be the stay at home dad if you can do it better. he may work 4-5 jobs a year but at least hes obviously trying to work even if he seems to have issues keeping them. there are a lot of ppl out there worse off than this. maybe you need something to keep you busy instead of worrying about sex – like, ya know, a JOB…

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  26. Rhon Magyar Rhon Magyar says:

    why are you breeding with him then? when he’s unemployed, what have you done workwise to bring in income? let him be the stay at home dad if you can do it better. he may work 4-5 jobs a year but at least hes obviously trying to work even if he seems to have issues keeping them. there are a lot of ppl out there worse off than this.

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  27. I would try counselling first, but it sounds like you were done with this marriage long ago and now only stay out of worry of how a divorce will financially affect him. That is a good way to breed resentment. Talk to him and lay it all out, see if he will agree marital counselling, but ultimately staying with someone just because you don’t want them homeless is not a good reason. Better 2 people apart that can build happier healthier lives than 2 people together, unhappy and buding resentment.

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  28. Evan Marcoff Evan Marcoff says:

    You’ll never be happy again with him – you have to leave him to save yourself and your sanity.

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  29. Mac Simm Mac Simm says:

    So why are you torturing yourself and the kids? The kids learn from you. Staying can cause more damage that leaving if you’re fighting in front of the kids. And you’re teaching your kids to settle for this kind of life.
    Hes a deadbeat. Knows how to make kids but is not serious in his obligations to look after them ie a job. Hes not a partner, hes a boat archor, pulling you and you kids down.

    Your first obligation is to your kids and yourself. What he does, where he goes, where he sleeps after you boot him out is finally going to be a responsibilty HE can take. You owe him nothing.

    If you stay, what you see is what you will continue to get. Is that what you really want for you and your kids?

    I would rather be alone raising two kids myself than putting up with an asshole, even if its hard. Ive done it.

    But once you’ve left him make a solid break. Don’t let him stick to the bottom of your shoe again. Don’t let him guilt you or make you feel sorry for him to perpetuate this. He’ll try to manipulate you into keeping it the way it is – because it works for him. Dont enable him to do this.

    You won’t see how bad it is/was and the affects its had on you and your kids until you put him in your rear view mirror. Leave the dark to see the light

    Once you’re settled you’ll wonder why you put up with the bullshit for so long.

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  30. Simple, “Til Death Do Us Part, for Better Or Worse”! So many forget that this generation!

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  31. Be honest. Tell him you’re unhappy and tell him why. Figure it out from there and don’t listen to these people going nuts about you having a baby

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  32. Stop having children with a man you don’t love , don’t have anything in common with mentally or sexually, that can’t keep a job. He will be fine, he will figure it out …

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  33. Have a couple more kids, that should help, loser

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  34. If you’ve been contemplating leaving him for years then that should have been something you thought about more before bringing 2 babies into the relationship. Now that they are here….maybe just try dating him again. Jobless or irritating can be dealt with but maybe you 2 need to give your relationship more focus – be honest with him about feeling like there’s little left for you guys…ask him how he feels, and see if you guys can just start over together. It’s easy to forget what you fell in love with in the first place. Give it 100%, take a marriage prep course at a local church (they are inexpensive and have childcare. Weca or Beulah alliance church are great). Plan a weekly date night (you don’t have to spend money) buy a board game or a deck of cards and make a point of playing a game together every night. Ask him to watch the kids more so you can get confident with yourself too. Give you relationship 100% but also give yourself 100%.

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  35. You should let him read this post!

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